I have more Facebook Friends than you
This post of course has to deal with the relatively recent emergence of online profile sites such as My Space and Facebook. However, because I don’t know what the fuck My Space is and how it works I will be focusing solely on Facebook. When I entered college two years ago I knew nothing of this online service that apparently is a place to make friends online that you don’t have to be embarrassed about being a part of. At the beginning of my freshman year facebook was available at a very few number of colleges, mostly colleges that believed they were better than everyone else. However, early on there were clear signs of growth, first within the community of Facebook users and then a Starbucks like expansion that seems to have encompassed the entire planet’s colleges, and apparently high schools too.
Unfortunately along with this trend I have seen an ever increasing judgement process through face book. People are now judged by their “profiles,” guys and probably girls too shamelessly look through pictures posted on the site of people they don’t even know looking for hot girls…or guys, they might actually have a chance of meeting. Of course it brings people together, but it only brings people together in the way that says, “I’m better than you and I have more Facebook friends than you to prove it.”
Which brings me to my next point, the question of what is a Facebook friend? In the early stages this seemed much more clear, but as with most things in life expansion carries along with it complexity and now the expansion of Facebook has left the definition of Facebook friend in a cloudy mist that in reality holds a different meaning for each user. Thus, in an effort to sort through the confusion and make some sense of the chaos I will devise a grouping system into the basic types of people and their friend definitions, it is important to remember though that these in no way reflect reality and only the fucked up way with which I view the world, however if you are fortunate enough to agree with me all the better.
This post of course has to deal with the relatively recent emergence of online profile sites such as My Space and Facebook. However, because I don’t know what the fuck My Space is and how it works I will be focusing solely on Facebook. When I entered college two years ago I knew nothing of this online service that apparently is a place to make friends online that you don’t have to be embarrassed about being a part of. At the beginning of my freshman year facebook was available at a very few number of colleges, mostly colleges that believed they were better than everyone else. However, early on there were clear signs of growth, first within the community of Facebook users and then a Starbucks like expansion that seems to have encompassed the entire planet’s colleges, and apparently high schools too.
Unfortunately along with this trend I have seen an ever increasing judgement process through face book. People are now judged by their “profiles,” guys and probably girls too shamelessly look through pictures posted on the site of people they don’t even know looking for hot girls…or guys, they might actually have a chance of meeting. Of course it brings people together, but it only brings people together in the way that says, “I’m better than you and I have more Facebook friends than you to prove it.”
Which brings me to my next point, the question of what is a Facebook friend? In the early stages this seemed much more clear, but as with most things in life expansion carries along with it complexity and now the expansion of Facebook has left the definition of Facebook friend in a cloudy mist that in reality holds a different meaning for each user. Thus, in an effort to sort through the confusion and make some sense of the chaos I will devise a grouping system into the basic types of people and their friend definitions, it is important to remember though that these in no way reflect reality and only the fucked up way with which I view the world, however if you are fortunate enough to agree with me all the better.
Facebook type 1: the “I joined because everybody joined" user. This person was probably one of the later people to start using it, doesn’t often update, and rarely friends others. This person is also antisocial and is probably against conformity, bonus points: they cry to themselves at night wishing they had more friends.
Type 2: the “I can stop whenever I want to" user. This person probably, has a little above average amount of Facebook friends, and updates their profile only every so often so as not to give the appearance of addiction. However don’t be fooled: they stay up late at night perusing through the now endless details that one can find on the network. Also desperately wants pictures of themselves online so that others can see how cool they are, never to realize that no one looks at them and they don’t care. Bonus points: Also an alcoholic and desperate to impress others because their parents didn’t love them.
Type 3: the “Facebook whore”. The title basically speaks for itself: this is for those who blatantly devote themselves to whoring out for as many friends as possible, they also think they are very social because they ask to be friends with people they don’t even know and in all likelihood will never meet. Don’t be fooled kids, if someone friends you that has over 300 Facebook friends, their friendship is not something to be appreciated and has less value then an ice maker in the north pole. If you are one of these people I only have one thing to say, Stop It before you kill humanity. Bonus points: This person doesn’t realize that all of their real life friends in hate them, especially because they constantly try to casually bring up how many Facebook friends they have, they might even have some sort of sadistic goal to reach some number like 500 friends.
Type 4: the “love/hate Facebook users” these users have a love/hate relationship as they love the possible humor to be gained from it and enjoy endlessly looking through their own pictures remembering the times that in reality they probably don’t remember. However, they also hate having to be confronted with the picture of the unattractive girl/guy they hooked up with the night before when under the influence they looked so much better. Bonus points: Generally nice people that are often assholes without realizing it.
Type 5: the “I use Facebook to fuck with other people in a juvenile attempt to ruin people’s lives more than my own” these people are usually guys and will often write ridiculous things on walls that they had sworn to keep secret, will message girls either calling them sluts or losers or both, while in reality they're just upset that they cant even stroke it out. They think they’re real cool when they post pictures of themselves fucking with passed out kids and usually talk about the one time they pissed on that girl and how totally awesome it was. Bonus points: the syringe in the ass and the roid rage are dead give aways.
Next time there will be an online quiz so you can find out which group you belong to! Be sure to check up often to see when it will be up bonus: theyre will also be a rate your friendship feature to see how good of a Facebook friend you are.
Not to reader, if you actually believe that last part you have entirely missed my points, as ridiculous as they are and no longer have any business reading this blog, I bid you good day!
Type 2: the “I can stop whenever I want to" user. This person probably, has a little above average amount of Facebook friends, and updates their profile only every so often so as not to give the appearance of addiction. However don’t be fooled: they stay up late at night perusing through the now endless details that one can find on the network. Also desperately wants pictures of themselves online so that others can see how cool they are, never to realize that no one looks at them and they don’t care. Bonus points: Also an alcoholic and desperate to impress others because their parents didn’t love them.
Type 3: the “Facebook whore”. The title basically speaks for itself: this is for those who blatantly devote themselves to whoring out for as many friends as possible, they also think they are very social because they ask to be friends with people they don’t even know and in all likelihood will never meet. Don’t be fooled kids, if someone friends you that has over 300 Facebook friends, their friendship is not something to be appreciated and has less value then an ice maker in the north pole. If you are one of these people I only have one thing to say, Stop It before you kill humanity. Bonus points: This person doesn’t realize that all of their real life friends in hate them, especially because they constantly try to casually bring up how many Facebook friends they have, they might even have some sort of sadistic goal to reach some number like 500 friends.
Type 4: the “love/hate Facebook users” these users have a love/hate relationship as they love the possible humor to be gained from it and enjoy endlessly looking through their own pictures remembering the times that in reality they probably don’t remember. However, they also hate having to be confronted with the picture of the unattractive girl/guy they hooked up with the night before when under the influence they looked so much better. Bonus points: Generally nice people that are often assholes without realizing it.
Type 5: the “I use Facebook to fuck with other people in a juvenile attempt to ruin people’s lives more than my own” these people are usually guys and will often write ridiculous things on walls that they had sworn to keep secret, will message girls either calling them sluts or losers or both, while in reality they're just upset that they cant even stroke it out. They think they’re real cool when they post pictures of themselves fucking with passed out kids and usually talk about the one time they pissed on that girl and how totally awesome it was. Bonus points: the syringe in the ass and the roid rage are dead give aways.
Next time there will be an online quiz so you can find out which group you belong to! Be sure to check up often to see when it will be up bonus: theyre will also be a rate your friendship feature to see how good of a Facebook friend you are.
Not to reader, if you actually believe that last part you have entirely missed my points, as ridiculous as they are and no longer have any business reading this blog, I bid you good day!
