Sorkinitis

Sorkinitis:
A frightening name for a frightening condition. The cause: fast paced, speed talking, dialogue packed shows, movies, or plays written by the infamous Aaron Sorkin. His reckless writing style has been irresponsibly left available for the public and its devastating effects are only now becoming apparent. People are especially susceptible to being infected by Sorkinitis during or immediately after coming in contact with any of his work. Some common symptoms include uncontrollable speaking at speeds with which the mind cannot compete, using words that a) don't make sense, b) you don't know the meaning of, or in the worst cases c) aren't even words. Victims also have staggering tendencies to become stuck in "talk and walks", a characteristic of Sorkin's work in which apparently characters (usually two but in severe cases even more) simply talk and walk together at the same time. Although this appeared to be revolutionary upon its introduction into the media it is now clear that our minds were not meant for such complex actions. In the interest of full disclosure, your author must admit that I was once suckered into watching one of Sorkin's shows, however I suffered severe Sorkinitis and at one point even thought I was witty enough to carry on relentless, pause free conversation for more than 10 minutes, however, after 6 and half of those minutes I blacked out and woke up 2 days later in a different country with a warrant for my arrest. Not only can Sorkinitis have a vicious effect on its victims, it is also damaging for the lives of those close to the victims, or second hand Sorkinitis. The author's roommate has been suffering from Sorkinitis since it was first observed shortly after the release of the film A Few Good Men, starring Tom Cruise pre scientology brain wash. Because of his affliction he is prone to bouts of dizziness and often sits alone in his room rewatching clips of various Sorkin productions, constantly trying to live his life to the inhumane pace of these works and the brilliant characters therein. Its nearly impossible for him to have a normal conversation with anyone as he loses them after two lines and then pulls a Rain Man and goes off into his own world playing back one liners to an imaginary character as he walks back and forth across his apartment--the most serious case of all: a one man walk and talk. It is profoundly disturbing. Now I know what you must be wondering, is there a cure? Well the good news is that the answer is yes. There are a shockingly high amount of dumbed down shows and movies available that can easily combat the effects of Sorkinitis by slowing down or in some happy cases (Daredevil) completely halt the mental activity that is uncontrollably sped up by watching Sorkin's work. Because I have studied this disease extensively I am actually capable of offering a broad prescription for anyone that might be suffering the effects of Sorkinitis.

For mild cases: Watching two consecutive episodes of Bones or One Tree Hill should completely offset any mild symptoms.

For moderate cases: Rocky V and VI consecutively, plus at least 30 minutes of Battlefield Earth…exceeding this dosage may cause rapid reductions in brain actvity and subjects run the risk of suffering from either retardation or scientology. Researchers are still unsure as to which carries graver consequences.

For SEVERE cases only: This is a strenuous and rigorous program that must be followed precisely to survive a severe case of Sorkinitis. It is not reccomended for mild cases.First begin with the movies From Justin to Kelly and then You Got Served. Follow this with an entire season of Baywatch, with Charmed as a possible substitute. Finally after this you must watch the movie Daredevil, not one but two times. If Sorkinitis persists begin a steady regimen of blows to the cranium with blunt object until brain dead or complete reversal of symptoms.

Liver failure is so yesterday

Any random friend: Hey, you wanna get drunk tonight?
Me: Yea, why not.

This was a typical conversation from my first two years of college and I feel that my change since then can be summed up in the change that has taken place in that conversation this year.

Any random friend: Hey, you wanna get drunk tonight?
Me: Why?

These two conversations are in themselves a microcosm of my college experience. Upon first arriving here I encountered a wondrous land of cheap available alcohol and many others who like me were just here to have a good time. Classes will come and go we thought, the good times though, they last forever. What I’ve been learning though is that apparently so does your GPA. Now I don’t have a bad GPA per se, but it is significantly lower than it would be if I had responded to that common question the way I do now. Back in the day, meaning freshman and sophomore year, drinking was an end in itself, you know the usual: get plastered and then see where the inebriation takes you. Over the years its taken me to some pretty amazing places…at least they seemed that way in my drunken state though looking back I’m not quite sure how amazing wandering around the business district at 4 in the morning and finding a “totally awesome beer pong table” and then carrying it through the subway and sneaking it into a dorm really was. The point however, is not whether or not I regret the times I had ( I don’t…well maybe not completely) but that I’m beginning to see a change in myself. Call it old age, call it maturity, call it being sick of throwing up in random places, the fact is I no longer have that same insatiable drive to just get completely shitfaced for no apparent reason. I’m also discovering that I lack the recovery ability of my youth, I used to wake up like being hung over was my job and by five in the afternoon I was ready to get hammered again. Now I get drunk and I lay in bed all day dreading night fall and being pressured to go out again. Is this a change for the better? Only time will tell, but unlike last years finals I don’t think I’m gonna be getting drunk throughout the week of exams this year. Bob Dylan once said, “The times they are a changing” I don’t what that means but I feel like it applies here and I sincerely hope whatever it is, you find what you’re looking for.