Bobby

Bobby grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut amid stirring Northeastern foliage, large oak trees, and tightly trimmed grass. The landscape on his parent's estate always had a tight, maintained feel mostly a result of the immigrants his family employed to carefully manage the lawn and shrubbery.

In elementary school initial tests showed Bobby to be near remedial level in all core academic subjects and it was agreed he would be held back a grade and receive special tutoring until a mysterious closed door meeting between Bobby's father, the Great Hedge Fund Manager Bobby Sr. and the school's principal. Following this, a remarkable turnaround occured in Bobby's academic performance and the subject of his underdeveloped brain was dropped altogether.

At the advent of Middle School Bobby played part time roles in local area baseball and fencing leagues, excelling in neither yet he was lauded for the "top notch" end of the season parties he threw at his house often centered around his enormous pool and video game room which contained all of the latest hits and gadgets. Kids not invited to Bobby's parties generally became considered uncool as their prior friends were all lured away by Mario Kart and Golden Eye on Bobby's enormous projection tv as well as the gracious culinary service arranged by his family to always retain at least two cooks on duty.

Throughout high school Bobby continued to artfully employ his blessed home and personnel to climb the high school caste system. His first serious girlfriend, Rebecca Chesire, came from another well known family and they first initiated their romance at one Bobby's parents cocktail soirees. Acting on limited cerebral capacity and three virgin daquiries he bravely took Rebecca's hand as he led her to his "chill den" (the video game lounge was so middle school) where they kissed with tongues. Rebecca would later tell her friends that his breath smelled like "dog shit" and that he cried after, begging her to never leave him. Despite being unimpressed with Bobby's game she continued their relationship at the urging of her parents and the bribe of a brand new Lexus for her 16th birthday. They were together until after prom when upon attempting sex for the first time Rebeccas was so unimpressed with his anatomical tools that she walked out laughing. Bobby maintains Rebecca made the whole thing up and spread a vicious rumor that she had herpes and was probably a lesbian.

On the academic front despite repeated difficulty in completing any of the reading or math assignments demanded of him, Bobby proved adept at networking and making use of other people's natural aptitudes in scholarly pursuits. Sure some people called what he did cheating, (receving copies of the test prior to the exam, having other students write papers for him, paying that nerd Stephen to take his SATs) but surely he was just following his instincts.

Receiving excellent SAT scores he went on to attend Trinity and joined the university's ultra competitive Greek circuit and through connections of his father eventually settled on Alpha Delta Phi where he was made "class bitch" by the Senior Gerald Evans. Bobby was eager to please though and diligently completed all of his cleaning and cooking tasks by paying local vagabonds in booze and cocaine he got through "that mexican in econ" to rigorously finish all duties assigned to him. College proved just as susceptible to alternate means of passing and through almost no learning of his own he succeeded in graduating cum laude in four years. With a semester left his father arranged an interview with Goldman Sachs to join their Investment Banking division. After "nailing" the interview while talking about the preferred golf courses in the greater New York City area, and their favorite French restaurants he started in August of 2009 sporting a tailored made suit from Italy and custom made shoes that shined brighter than his graduation rolex.

In January of 2010 he went out and got "loaded" with friends eager to begin another night of drug driven ecstasy and pussy filled fantasy. Although he had yet to get laid in New York, he repeatedly bragged about the volumes of phone numbers he'd procured from the "finest snatch" in the city. Despite nights usually ending in on demand porn, lotion, and tissues he frequently recounted imagined sexual encounters with girls met out at clubs as reality.

On this particular night he wore his hair tighly cropped in a comb over part and applied fifteen times the recommended dosage of hair gel before beginning his customary scent applications a questionable mix of colognes, deoderants, and something a chinese man had sold him on while talking about pheremones, lunar cycles, and female cum. Then he adorned his "number one" sports jacket and diesel jeans. After doing "wicked number of shots" at best friend Sebastian's place they went to start the night at B Bar, a trendy but more often than not empty bar on 4th St and Third Ave. While there he spotted two unaccompanied "grade A hotties" as he would later tell Sebastian, who had already moved on to another bar. With all of his blind ignorant confidence, acquired over years of purchasing things he wanted, he approached the pair and boldly sat down talking about how "beautiful and exemplary each was." As he began to move in on the blonde with the Southern twang I arrived to his dismay. "That's when this total fag came in and completely cock blocked me" he would tell coworkers that Monday. He was trying to convince the guests to accompany him to Brass Monkey and generously offered to charge all expenses to his company credit card; he was after all "an invenstment banker" he kept reminding us. Seeing our lack of enthusiasm he vigorously requested blonde one's number until she relented. After promising to return to no one's concern he latched onto the defenseless blonde's hand and planted perhaps the cheesiest most vomit inducing kiss to a hand I have ever witnessed. After leaving he would proceed to call said emotionally damaged girl five times to no answer on each occasion. Following this he would be profiled on this blog as a warning to future prey.

You have been warned.