Some guy: “Yo I totally ate that sandwich!”
Some other guy: “NO WAY! Hahahaha”
Me: I don’t get it, whats so funny?
Some guys: “Don’t worry about it man its an inside joke hahaha”
Me:…
Listen you pompous, meathead assholes that think youre so damn hilarious with your inside jokes probably centering on the girl you “banged” last night, if it’s an inside joke how come the entire room has to hear your juvenile reenactment of some retarded story only to be left out of some stupid punchline. The story’s public from your obnoxious and clearly intentional overheard conversation so everyone around you can know that you, “totally ate that sandwich.” Now I’m not trying to “drop guilt juice on you” another ludicrous phrase that I once heard bellowed in the midst of one of my chance encounters with a study lounge. But seriously, shut the fuck up, I don’t give a damn about your inside jokes, but if you’re gonna make me hear your whole story at least give me the satisfaction of knowing what you find so incredibly funny; if at least to give me more fuel to make fun of you with. Don’t get me wrong, inside jokes are an inevitable part of friendship as things will be understood only by those who are familiar with it, but don’t make it a point to let everyone know that you’re engaged in an inside joke especially to just make you feel cool. Believe me doing this only proves how far from cool you are. However, just go on giving your “HIGH FIVES!” every time you say something basically equating to banging and leaving a girl or making fun of a girl, or making fun of a guy that doesn’t like girls, I’m sure you’ll find some mildly retarded audience somewhere that enjoys your stories and idolizes you so much that they hope one day to be on the inside of those jokes. Just remember, you’re the joke.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Top 13 Reasons to go to War with North Korea
1. Maybe we'll find oil.
2. Preventing Kim Jong Il from ever wearing those lame ass sunglasses again.
3. Pussy democrats won't be able to whine about not finding any weapons of mass destruction.
4. They're God hating communists that haven't seen the light of Christ or an A bomb...boo-ya.
5. My ex girlfriend was Korean and she totally dumped me...that bitch.
6. To support our troops.
7. Pearl Harbor.
8. Dick Cheney likes hunting in the far east.
9. Real World: Pyongyang this time the tension's nuclear...MTV fall 07
10. It'll distract from the huge failure of Iraq.
11. They're poor.
12. The war in Iraq is so last year.
13. To protect our borders.
2. Preventing Kim Jong Il from ever wearing those lame ass sunglasses again.
3. Pussy democrats won't be able to whine about not finding any weapons of mass destruction.
4. They're God hating communists that haven't seen the light of Christ or an A bomb...boo-ya.
5. My ex girlfriend was Korean and she totally dumped me...that bitch.
6. To support our troops.
7. Pearl Harbor.
8. Dick Cheney likes hunting in the far east.
9. Real World: Pyongyang this time the tension's nuclear...MTV fall 07
10. It'll distract from the huge failure of Iraq.
11. They're poor.
12. The war in Iraq is so last year.
13. To protect our borders.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
A comedy of the double X chromosome
Women, they are fuckin hilarious. They’ve managed to master an art of unreasonability and illogical thinking all the while making men feel bad about the decisions they make that involve rationality. What impresses me is not the lack of reason that goes into a woman’s thinking process, that much has been obvious for quite some time, but how they almost always manage to make us (men) feel bad about whatever it is that we’ve done. My mother has always been and still is a master of this technique using such subtle attacks as “stop attacking me,” “I wasn’t yelling,” and of course my favorite “I’m not angry I’m just disappointed.” These ridiculous phrases are the things that infuriate me and usually drive me to doing something I actually end up feeling sorry for. Women lure you in with these traps, of course I’ve had a bit more experience with this than with just my mother but she is the one that comes to mind most clearly. However, this has also been a problem with girls that I have been how shall I say, intimately involved with. There are a few that I think actually get off to this kind of idiotic argument/conversation. You say what you think is a harmless phrase, next thing you know you’re being called insensitive and cruel when you thought you were just asking a question this girl is trying to guilt trip you into apologizing till you admit that men are inherently evil creatures. Well my friends out there, don’t give into this game, we’ve got to fight back, that’s why I say never apologize to women. It is imperative that we learn to use their own tricks against them…even if it makes us seem gay. Now I know what you’re thinking…unless youre already gay, in which case you’re ahead of the game, but if you’re not you’ve got to understand that this is what women do to gain the power in a conversation, relationship, argument ect. As soon as you apologize you are by default admitting that you are the guilty one, you were wrong and thus everything they said was right. What kind of evil is this that won’t even let us be right? I implore those of you as men to stand up for our sense of reason and accountability and take a stand against this feminine nonsense, a conversation is a conversation and if you’re gonna cry because I’m so obviously right and you can’t take being wrong tough. Learn to live with it, cause I’m gonna be right a lot more than you can admit to your already microscopic self esteem.
Note: if you are a woman I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize in advance, I didn’t mean what I said and I think you look lovely today…new haircut?
2nd Note: if you are a man I’m just sayin sorry so I can still get ass from women, as a man you can understand that…but continue to fight the woman
3rd Note: if you are my mother I love you and I’m sorry…plus I really need my laundry done, im startin to run out of clothes.
Note: if you are a woman I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize in advance, I didn’t mean what I said and I think you look lovely today…new haircut?
2nd Note: if you are a man I’m just sayin sorry so I can still get ass from women, as a man you can understand that…but continue to fight the woman
3rd Note: if you are my mother I love you and I’m sorry…plus I really need my laundry done, im startin to run out of clothes.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Dear Diary,
Due to a request from a former acquaintance I will be taking this blog in a bit of a different direction with this post. This will be a stark change from the usual insulting, juvenile humor and will instead be a touching, sincere account of someone that has been a big influence in my life.
This particular person happened to be a former Resident Advisor of mine during my sophomore year of school. What I remember the most about her is not whether or not she had a life crippling drinking problem (she did), and not whether or not she hung out with self loathing, closet crying hipsters (she did that too), but that for some reason she was very entertaining to talk to. This is probably because she was one of the few people that laughed at my jokes, and I gotta tell you having someone think your funny is probably one of the greatest feelings in the world…aside from screwing your boss’s wife in your boss’s bed which is also particularly pleasurable. I didn’t talk to this person for most of the summer following that year and upon my return I discovered that she had run away to Korea. Now she often whined to me about wanting to find some nice asian guy to bring home to her parents or some shit, but I never thought shed go all the way to the Far East to find one, I figured Chinatown was good enough and that was why she kept living there. Apparently I greatly underestimated her need for real asian men. Now that shes in Korea I’ve found it immensely easier to avoid her while walking through the park, aside from that I do miss the occasional dinner she was able to get me and my friends as well as the meal plans after I’d run out. But the bottom line is I’m writing from the heart and my heart tells me that I’m hungry, no that’s the stomach, oh that’s right my heart tells me that you should hold on to people that make you feel good about yourself, because as I can attest I’ve got a number of friends but most of them only serve to pummel my already disappearing self esteem. Anyways this is a person that meant something to me in the time that I knew her. Now she’s just a shadow from my alcoholic corrupted past, but I hope wherever she is, she’s laughing at this post making me feel better about myself.
This particular person happened to be a former Resident Advisor of mine during my sophomore year of school. What I remember the most about her is not whether or not she had a life crippling drinking problem (she did), and not whether or not she hung out with self loathing, closet crying hipsters (she did that too), but that for some reason she was very entertaining to talk to. This is probably because she was one of the few people that laughed at my jokes, and I gotta tell you having someone think your funny is probably one of the greatest feelings in the world…aside from screwing your boss’s wife in your boss’s bed which is also particularly pleasurable. I didn’t talk to this person for most of the summer following that year and upon my return I discovered that she had run away to Korea. Now she often whined to me about wanting to find some nice asian guy to bring home to her parents or some shit, but I never thought shed go all the way to the Far East to find one, I figured Chinatown was good enough and that was why she kept living there. Apparently I greatly underestimated her need for real asian men. Now that shes in Korea I’ve found it immensely easier to avoid her while walking through the park, aside from that I do miss the occasional dinner she was able to get me and my friends as well as the meal plans after I’d run out. But the bottom line is I’m writing from the heart and my heart tells me that I’m hungry, no that’s the stomach, oh that’s right my heart tells me that you should hold on to people that make you feel good about yourself, because as I can attest I’ve got a number of friends but most of them only serve to pummel my already disappearing self esteem. Anyways this is a person that meant something to me in the time that I knew her. Now she’s just a shadow from my alcoholic corrupted past, but I hope wherever she is, she’s laughing at this post making me feel better about myself.
Friday, October 06, 2006
An Ode to the War on Terrorism
The War on Terrorism has engulfed much of the focus of America under our esteemed leader George W. Bush, yet some clueless Americans fail to register its overall scale and the importance of the battles we wage. Thus to draw the battle lines more clearly I will be defining it as straightforward as possible.
Terrorism can be defined as: anything that endangers or threatens America.
This definition is simple enough, however there is a further sub definition needed for those who do not completely comprehend the ideals of the America we live in. Thus it becomes necessary to define what should be considered a “threat to America”
Threats to America include: there are gays who evilly ignore our Christian and humanitarian ideals of love between only an old man and a bored woman, pro choice women who think they have the right to do what they want with their bodies, liberals who only know how to spread evil ideas of acceptance and tolerance and have obviously never read the bible, women who for some reason are beginning to think they have a voice and a place of meaning in society, anyone who doesn’t think George W. Bush should be given as many more terms as it takes to defeat terrorism and instill the wrath of God on those Islamic savages, Jews who don’t believe in Jesus, Al Gore who makes up stuff about the environment, Mexicans who endanger America by trying to secure a better life for themselves within the borders that we originally stole from them, alternate forms of fuel, pirates of the Caribbean who raid our coast, Borat the movie, democratic senators trying to pose as republicans while they molest young children, Lindsay Lohan, and of course the Euro…mullet.
All of these things pose an immediate threat to the well being of America and its citizens and unless we stop them with the wrath of our almighty heterosexual, Christian, republican God we will succumb to evils not seen since the Dark Ages healed those evils with the Crusades. The way you to stop them has already been presented to us, we must light them on fire with democracy and napalm, bombard them with Christianity and air strikes, torment them with American ideals and oppression, and suffocate them with freedom and blankets. This is our arsenal and to fully defeat the enemies of America it must be exhausted.
President Bush I fully support you through your incomprehensible diction and seemingly contradictory agenda. Deep down, in the place that Congressman Foley used to talk about, I know this is all a ploy to confuse and confound your enemies while you devise a much larger assault on the rest of the world. We’ll see whose laughing when America conquers the middle east and controls the oil fields…I mean stops terrorism.
All Hail Bush!
Terrorism can be defined as: anything that endangers or threatens America.
This definition is simple enough, however there is a further sub definition needed for those who do not completely comprehend the ideals of the America we live in. Thus it becomes necessary to define what should be considered a “threat to America”
Threats to America include: there are gays who evilly ignore our Christian and humanitarian ideals of love between only an old man and a bored woman, pro choice women who think they have the right to do what they want with their bodies, liberals who only know how to spread evil ideas of acceptance and tolerance and have obviously never read the bible, women who for some reason are beginning to think they have a voice and a place of meaning in society, anyone who doesn’t think George W. Bush should be given as many more terms as it takes to defeat terrorism and instill the wrath of God on those Islamic savages, Jews who don’t believe in Jesus, Al Gore who makes up stuff about the environment, Mexicans who endanger America by trying to secure a better life for themselves within the borders that we originally stole from them, alternate forms of fuel, pirates of the Caribbean who raid our coast, Borat the movie, democratic senators trying to pose as republicans while they molest young children, Lindsay Lohan, and of course the Euro…mullet.
All of these things pose an immediate threat to the well being of America and its citizens and unless we stop them with the wrath of our almighty heterosexual, Christian, republican God we will succumb to evils not seen since the Dark Ages healed those evils with the Crusades. The way you to stop them has already been presented to us, we must light them on fire with democracy and napalm, bombard them with Christianity and air strikes, torment them with American ideals and oppression, and suffocate them with freedom and blankets. This is our arsenal and to fully defeat the enemies of America it must be exhausted.
President Bush I fully support you through your incomprehensible diction and seemingly contradictory agenda. Deep down, in the place that Congressman Foley used to talk about, I know this is all a ploy to confuse and confound your enemies while you devise a much larger assault on the rest of the world. We’ll see whose laughing when America conquers the middle east and controls the oil fields…I mean stops terrorism.
All Hail Bush!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I write Lists not Comedies
Theres a little bit of a rumor goin around the dozen or half dozen of you that have accidentally read this blog that I’m only funny in lists. Well I got news for you, you’re fucking right and to confirm that here is a list of why I’m better than you:
1. You actually waste your time reading the shit that I write.
2. I’m not addicted to drugs, you’re in your second stint of rehab.
3. I’m filthy rich and I feel fucking great about it.
4. You have no friends, I have hundreds…check facebook if you don’t believe me.
5. I live in an apartment with a magnificent view of the NYC skyline.
6. I’m me.
7. You’re not.
8. Your lover dumped you because you are sexually inadequate, I’ve been described as barely adequate…beat that.
9. I’m American you terrorist.
10. I live at a Holiday Inn Express.
11. Seriously you can’t have a good life if you’re still reading this list.
12. I drowned the sting ray that killed Steve Irwin.
13. I can fake my orgasms…convincingly.
1. You actually waste your time reading the shit that I write.
2. I’m not addicted to drugs, you’re in your second stint of rehab.
3. I’m filthy rich and I feel fucking great about it.
4. You have no friends, I have hundreds…check facebook if you don’t believe me.
5. I live in an apartment with a magnificent view of the NYC skyline.
6. I’m me.
7. You’re not.
8. Your lover dumped you because you are sexually inadequate, I’ve been described as barely adequate…beat that.
9. I’m American you terrorist.
10. I live at a Holiday Inn Express.
11. Seriously you can’t have a good life if you’re still reading this list.
12. I drowned the sting ray that killed Steve Irwin.
13. I can fake my orgasms…convincingly.
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