The dreaded Job Search

There may not be a more degrading or stressful experience than the job search. Men and woman will shamelessly throw themselves at potential employers like drunk girls at Mardi Gras and that interviewer has plenty of beads. I'm at a point of my life where I'm beginning my first real job search. You know the kind, the ones with the resumes, the cover letters, the suits, the interviewers with the tough questions, and you with all the wrong answers. I've come to the conclusion that in these job searches it stops being acceptable to be yourself. Sure they tell you to show your "better qualities" and "express yourself" but what you're really suppose to do is be like everyone else. I swear to God I do not believe that 95% of the people looking for jobs believe that their greatest " weakness" is that they "work too hard" or are "too competetive." This type of meaningless bullshit makes me want to throw up all over the suit that I'm wearing for only the second time in my life. Unfortunately it seems as though the most high profile jobs require a soulless ability to bullshit your way into and out of anything. It's too bad our own president wasn't well versed on this skill. Imagine the difference if he could back up his policies in Iraq with lines like "I'm a tireless worker that pays attention to detail and have no doubt I can resovle this conflict as soon as physically possible" instead of stuttering around a microphone looking for the slightest hint of a friendly face and hesitantly asking people for support of yet anouther influx of troops into the political black hole that is Iraq. But, alas, I've digressed from my point the godlessness of a job search. The stress inflicted upon an individual having to dance around like a circus act trying to impress anyone he can persuade to listen is only less than the stress sufferred by someone who puts himself through these disgraceful dances and returns empty handed knowing that he sold his soul for nothing in return. As I write this I am packing up my own soul into a delightful gift basket and preparing to send it out along with my resume and cover letters. If anyone reading this has available summer internships in New York please hire me. I'm a motivated, dedicated, hard working, positive, dependable, responsible, smart, confident, driven, excited, and high pressure performer who will serve you well. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matt

ps. I'm serious about that hiring shit, I need a job...you can visit my website at www.mattneedsajob.org

The Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

That’s right it’s February and you know what that means, Valentine’s Day! All those cute couples will be planning their dates as girls look forward to bragging to their friends about how completely romantic “Todd,” or whatever the hell his name might be, is. Guys will be looking to find the ultimate gift or create the most ideal date for their significant others in yet another attempt at getting as much sex as possible. Men usually don’t care too much about the “spirit” of Valentine’s Day, but they do care about not pissing off their girlfriend/ wife/ girl on the side/ hopeful sex partner. So here are a few tips on what NOT to get for that special someone.

Top 12 Worst Valentine’s Gifts

1. Gym Membership, I don’t think they’ll “get it”
2. Treadmill, they definitely won’t “get it”
3. The NFL channel (or any sports channel), so obviously for you
4. Animal Porn…or really any sort of porn
5. Electric Razor, there are more subtle ways of telling her she needs to shave
6. Plastic surgery, ok that’s just mean
7. Breast Implants, valiant effort but I don’t think she’ll see where you’re coming from.
8. The Right to Vote, once they have a say it’ll all be downhill
9. Syphilis, if she knows you have it she might break up with you
10. A reason to live, you can’t have her hanging around you any longer than necessary
11. A homemade necklace, you’re not 7 years old anymore get her the real thing.
12. A break up note, seriously you can’t just wait one more day?

Good Luck with your women and I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day

Yes Mr. Hemingway I would love to have a drink with you.

I recently finished reading the splendid Ernest Hemingway novel, The Sun Also Rises. It is a great narrative that transports you into a cloudy, inebriated wonderland without responsibility and purpose. I was instantly reminded of my own time in Spain. The short, quick paced sentences blurred by me as I felt more like I was living the book than reading it. This Hemingway character would impress even a frat keg-stand champion with his incessant drinking at all hours of the day and night. I wonder if sobriety is something any of the characters in the book are even familiar with. Each scene revolves around ordering drink after drink and then moving to another place where they will order more drinks and get, “tight” as it is called in the book. Now I don’t know much about American literature or famous writers but I’ll tell you one thing: I wanna party with this guy. I’d actually like to see a bar menu containing every drink served in The Sun Also Rises. I have no doubt it could fill several pages. Of course there would the “Hemingway Special” a dangerous concoction of whiskey, soda, and the blood of a Spanish Bull. The great thing about the book was that it always put me in the mood to just go out and get shitfaced for no apparent reason other than to be cultured in some dark bar and engage in pretentious conversation with other socialites that haven’t a care in the world. I can do that because this is America, and in America we don’t care about your problems. A homeless man once told me how this country, and perhaps even this world operates. He said, “every person lives by one code: I got mine, now go fuck yourself.” I haven’t seen him since, but I believe he may be one of the must underrated thinkers of our time. But back to the Hemingway fellow. The reason I started reading the book was a selfish purpose as I had been told it was this novel that made the festival of San Fermines in Pamplona famous. For those of you that don’t know shit about Spain, or that festival, it is the place where they have the “Running with the bulls.” Now I know what you’re asking yourself. Did you, oh daring and courageous Matt, run with the bulls during your time in Spain? And my immediate response is: Youre goddamn right I ran with the bulls! I’m a man of principle, and one of the most important principles I have is: Thou Shalt Run With the Bulls while in Pamplona. Count it. Thus, in summary 1)Hemingway is a delightful read if you have any capacity to appreciate a different culture, 2) Drinking all the time might be expensive but damnit it seems like a lot of fun, and 3) I ran with the bulls. If you can come away with those three things, I’ll feel I’ve done my job.

Legal Notice: I am not responsible for anyone that is inspired to run with the bulls due to the influence of this piece, nor can I be held liable for any injury incurred during said event.