Alcoholics Unanonymous

I want to be an alcoholic not for the self destruction, not for the vomiting, not to disappoint people, not for rehab, and not to be like an A list celebrity. I want to be an alcoholic to keep things interesting. Some might think, “Matt, that sure is a silly thing to do just to keep things interesting.” And they’d be right, but I still wouldn’t like those people because they say the word silly and that frankly is not ok. Now, from my highly educated knowledge on alcoholism (via VH1 True Life and the tabloids of course) I can gather that alcoholism is an excellent way to have a story made about you and since I’m always looking for a chance to keep my life as fascinating as possible this seems like an excellent opportunity. It also follows a very linear path and requires little to no transition from the previous stepping stone of my life story, college. I’m fairly certain that I could simply continue the rampant drinking habits brewed during my time in school and be classified as at least a novice alcoholic. Drinking 4 nights in a row in college isn’t alcoholism its finals week. Blacking out isn’t amnesia it’s Friday morning. And Beer before Liqour makes you sicker isn’t common sense it’s commonly disregarded. Plus, and perhaps most importantly there is always someone to drink with before that 2pm lecture and always someone that has had a rough Monday and could use a vodka tonic cocktail. Now as the only place college can be found in my life is the past I’m not surprised I still savor that rambunctious chaos that eight too many can bring. Moderation is for pussies you might live longer, but myself, I’d die of boredom much quicker than liver deterioration.