Things Not to Do

Sometimes I think life is just a growing list of things “not to do.” Like this past weekend for example, I learned that one thing not to do was drunkenly imply you had fornicated with your coworker’s wife only four hours previous to the happy hour which you now attended. But wait, there’s more. Additionally, you learned that if you must make this reckless implication it should certainly be far away from an uncensored arena of alcohol and not directed at the most senselessly profane and politically incorrect man in your office. That’s right; your harmless retort to his own insinuation of your meager sexual history has provoked an obscene exclamation of none other than “Matt fucked my wife!” When he sees you gasp in horror you notice a twisted, sadistic twinkle in his eye before he turns and devilishly approaches your V.P.

“Hey Gary” he says, “Matt just said he FUCKED my wife.” The mouthful of burning whiskey erupts from your mouth at the shock of his sensationally damning statement right onto the unsuspecting administrative assistant standing to your right. Yep, you guessed it; let’s also add that to the list of things not to do.

“What the fuck?!” she exclaims. Shit, you’ve never heard her curse before, much less an f-bomb, merely proving just how fucked you really are.

Ok, let’s recap. Your ride home and prior to this night closest friend at the office has just spread an inexcusable rumor accusing you of breaking about 5 commandments, no wait, 6. He’s just added a part where you stole twenty bucks from him to pay for the condoms. "Wow that’s some graphic story telling", you think, especially for a company happy hour. Next, your V.P., the one you should be kissing ass to, has just told his wife to go wait in the car and is giving you a stare that borders on a judgment to hell and genuine fear. It appears you won’t be getting that promotion after all. And finally you’ve spit up half swallowed whiskey all over your poor admin’s only nice dress. The nicest lady at the office, not only does she have to put up with awful treatment at work, she also has to walk into a thunderstorm of whiskey and ice.

Well Matt I certainly think you’ve added enough to that list tonight. It’s too bad someone just handed you a tequila shot with a mind eraser as a chaser. “If I’m lucky I at least won’t remember getting fired tonight” you think to yourself. The tequila burns, the mind eraser numbs and then you feel someone sensually sliding their hand into your armpit…at least you think it’s sensually. Fuck it, it’s all the same anyways and without thinking you turn to the young lass fondling that soft ticklish juncture of arm and body and begin a passionate tongue massage of the inside of her lips as you pull her close. It was dark and she was probably just trying to push her way through the crowded bar. If only you would’ve thought that way at the time, but you didn’t.

When you stumble back, a direct result of her pushing you off you realize to utter dismay that it is Rob’s wife you just French kissed in the face. That’s right, the same Rob who earlier you joked with about fucking his wife of one year. Which brings me to the final addition of “what not to do” discovered on this educational night. Don’t joke about hooking up with your coworker’s wife only to actually end up doing it right in front of said co worker. You’ll only end up unemployed with nothing to better do than write an ill conceived blog.