How to be a successful...American Student in Madrid

This of course is probably a widespread question that everyone and anyone that reads this can relate to, thus I no doubt will be helping countless people with some simple dos and donts for various situations as you find yourself in the beautiful capital of Spain.

First, remember speak English, they love Americans in Madrid and often will even give you discounts once they realize you come from the greatest country in the world. It's a well known fact that all spanish people actually wish they were American anyways, so go on and speak the greatest language the world has ever seen, American. Also, when ordering food or shopping or whatever you may do while in Madrid don't be alarmed at the strange looks you may earn by trying to ask questions in English, remember spanish people are inherently inferior which is why they don't have the ability to speak english in the first place, that look is probably just one of admiration or confusion because theyre smaller brains cannot comprehend our higher language.

Second, make sure that when you take out money of ATMs or any other location you let everyone and their mothers on the street know that you're packin serious cash. It'll give you respect and theyll realize you're legit. Trust me theres nothin the spanish people respect more than an american wavin around 400 euros in cash and then lettin all of them know that ure putting it in your loose back left pocket along with your razor cell phone, credit card, atm card and anything else of value that you have.

With regards to your learning in a foreign country it is important that as an American student your mission is not to learn spanish or any language of the country you might be in, but is in fact to teach the people there how to speak American. After all why else would they let you in the country if they didn't want to learn from our ways. Spain and Madrid in particularly actually has a great shortage of Americans and are now desperately inporting them in an attempt to help their plummeting economy. Most people don't know this but Madrid actually has a lower percentage of Americans per person than any city in the United States, obviously this is a huge problem but at least they have realized it and brought in bright young students like myself to help solve it.

The siesta: In addition to being mentally inferior Spanish people are also lazy, they have never heard of our 80 hour work weeks or 12 hour work days, for the love of god they take breaks from 2 to 5 in the afternoon. Don't be lured in by these "rest periods" 2 to 5 is prime time to kick ass and take names and only a lazy spaniard would idle around while there is money to be made and people to be taken advantage of. While here it is important to set an example for all the citizens by tirelessly working the american way while acquiring all of the following things that spanish are also unfamiliar with: severe mental disorders, social anxiety disorder, obessive compulsive disorder, depression, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, hair loss, high blood pressure, obesity, pain killer addiction, chronic diahrea, and herpes. While the spanish are spared these minor effects of the American way of life I assure you they are much less happy then us, after all on average we save and earn more money a year then the spanish and every righteous american knows money is happiness.

Soccer: apparently they call is futbol here, why I have no idea, but there is some tournament called the world cup going on that they have some strange obsession with. This tournament involves the best countries in the world playing eachother in "futbol." I warn you, this is a dangerous area, I secretly watched the last Spain game at a public showing in Plaza colon as thousands of clearly crazy madrilenos yelled and chanted things in a language i could not understand, and they say were crazy! Remember, you're not spanish though, so go to these showings and make sure you wear the colors and jerseys of their opponents and always root against the spanish. They need to learn a little dignity anyways and some politeness I mean when they scored their goal everyone just threw their beer up in the air and it got all over my shirt I mean honestly what kind of savages would do such a thing.

Finally, have fun you're in madrid, go out and enjoy the night life, get lost, get robbed, get laid by that cheap prostitute. You only live once make sure you have no regrets.

I have more Facebook Friends than you

This post of course has to deal with the relatively recent emergence of online profile sites such as My Space and Facebook. However, because I don’t know what the fuck My Space is and how it works I will be focusing solely on Facebook. When I entered college two years ago I knew nothing of this online service that apparently is a place to make friends online that you don’t have to be embarrassed about being a part of. At the beginning of my freshman year facebook was available at a very few number of colleges, mostly colleges that believed they were better than everyone else. However, early on there were clear signs of growth, first within the community of Facebook users and then a Starbucks like expansion that seems to have encompassed the entire planet’s colleges, and apparently high schools too.
Unfortunately along with this trend I have seen an ever increasing judgement process through face book. People are now judged by their “profiles,” guys and probably girls too shamelessly look through pictures posted on the site of people they don’t even know looking for hot girls…or guys, they might actually have a chance of meeting. Of course it brings people together, but it only brings people together in the way that says, “I’m better than you and I have more Facebook friends than you to prove it.”
Which brings me to my next point, the question of what is a Facebook friend? In the early stages this seemed much more clear, but as with most things in life expansion carries along with it complexity and now the expansion of Facebook has left the definition of Facebook friend in a cloudy mist that in reality holds a different meaning for each user. Thus, in an effort to sort through the confusion and make some sense of the chaos I will devise a grouping system into the basic types of people and their friend definitions, it is important to remember though that these in no way reflect reality and only the fucked up way with which I view the world, however if you are fortunate enough to agree with me all the better.

Facebook type 1: the “I joined because everybody joined" user. This person was probably one of the later people to start using it, doesn’t often update, and rarely friends others. This person is also antisocial and is probably against conformity, bonus points: they cry to themselves at night wishing they had more friends.

Type 2: the “I can stop whenever I want to" user. This person probably, has a little above average amount of Facebook friends, and updates their profile only every so often so as not to give the appearance of addiction. However don’t be fooled: they stay up late at night perusing through the now endless details that one can find on the network. Also desperately wants pictures of themselves online so that others can see how cool they are, never to realize that no one looks at them and they don’t care. Bonus points: Also an alcoholic and desperate to impress others because their parents didn’t love them.

Type 3: the “Facebook whore”. The title basically speaks for itself: this is for those who blatantly devote themselves to whoring out for as many friends as possible, they also think they are very social because they ask to be friends with people they don’t even know and in all likelihood will never meet. Don’t be fooled kids, if someone friends you that has over 300 Facebook friends, their friendship is not something to be appreciated and has less value then an ice maker in the north pole. If you are one of these people I only have one thing to say, Stop It before you kill humanity. Bonus points: This person doesn’t realize that all of their real life friends in hate them, especially because they constantly try to casually bring up how many Facebook friends they have, they might even have some sort of sadistic goal to reach some number like 500 friends.

Type 4: the “love/hate Facebook users” these users have a love/hate relationship as they love the possible humor to be gained from it and enjoy endlessly looking through their own pictures remembering the times that in reality they probably don’t remember. However, they also hate having to be confronted with the picture of the unattractive girl/guy they hooked up with the night before when under the influence they looked so much better. Bonus points: Generally nice people that are often assholes without realizing it.

Type 5: the “I use Facebook to fuck with other people in a juvenile attempt to ruin people’s lives more than my own” these people are usually guys and will often write ridiculous things on walls that they had sworn to keep secret, will message girls either calling them sluts or losers or both, while in reality they're just upset that they cant even stroke it out. They think they’re real cool when they post pictures of themselves fucking with passed out kids and usually talk about the one time they pissed on that girl and how totally awesome it was. Bonus points: the syringe in the ass and the roid rage are dead give aways.

Next time there will be an online quiz so you can find out which group you belong to! Be sure to check up often to see when it will be up bonus: theyre will also be a rate your friendship feature to see how good of a Facebook friend you are.

Not to reader, if you actually believe that last part you have entirely missed my points, as ridiculous as they are and no longer have any business reading this blog, I bid you good day!