How to be a successful...American Student in Madrid

This of course is probably a widespread question that everyone and anyone that reads this can relate to, thus I no doubt will be helping countless people with some simple dos and donts for various situations as you find yourself in the beautiful capital of Spain.

First, remember speak English, they love Americans in Madrid and often will even give you discounts once they realize you come from the greatest country in the world. It's a well known fact that all spanish people actually wish they were American anyways, so go on and speak the greatest language the world has ever seen, American. Also, when ordering food or shopping or whatever you may do while in Madrid don't be alarmed at the strange looks you may earn by trying to ask questions in English, remember spanish people are inherently inferior which is why they don't have the ability to speak english in the first place, that look is probably just one of admiration or confusion because theyre smaller brains cannot comprehend our higher language.

Second, make sure that when you take out money of ATMs or any other location you let everyone and their mothers on the street know that you're packin serious cash. It'll give you respect and theyll realize you're legit. Trust me theres nothin the spanish people respect more than an american wavin around 400 euros in cash and then lettin all of them know that ure putting it in your loose back left pocket along with your razor cell phone, credit card, atm card and anything else of value that you have.

With regards to your learning in a foreign country it is important that as an American student your mission is not to learn spanish or any language of the country you might be in, but is in fact to teach the people there how to speak American. After all why else would they let you in the country if they didn't want to learn from our ways. Spain and Madrid in particularly actually has a great shortage of Americans and are now desperately inporting them in an attempt to help their plummeting economy. Most people don't know this but Madrid actually has a lower percentage of Americans per person than any city in the United States, obviously this is a huge problem but at least they have realized it and brought in bright young students like myself to help solve it.

The siesta: In addition to being mentally inferior Spanish people are also lazy, they have never heard of our 80 hour work weeks or 12 hour work days, for the love of god they take breaks from 2 to 5 in the afternoon. Don't be lured in by these "rest periods" 2 to 5 is prime time to kick ass and take names and only a lazy spaniard would idle around while there is money to be made and people to be taken advantage of. While here it is important to set an example for all the citizens by tirelessly working the american way while acquiring all of the following things that spanish are also unfamiliar with: severe mental disorders, social anxiety disorder, obessive compulsive disorder, depression, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, hair loss, high blood pressure, obesity, pain killer addiction, chronic diahrea, and herpes. While the spanish are spared these minor effects of the American way of life I assure you they are much less happy then us, after all on average we save and earn more money a year then the spanish and every righteous american knows money is happiness.

Soccer: apparently they call is futbol here, why I have no idea, but there is some tournament called the world cup going on that they have some strange obsession with. This tournament involves the best countries in the world playing eachother in "futbol." I warn you, this is a dangerous area, I secretly watched the last Spain game at a public showing in Plaza colon as thousands of clearly crazy madrilenos yelled and chanted things in a language i could not understand, and they say were crazy! Remember, you're not spanish though, so go to these showings and make sure you wear the colors and jerseys of their opponents and always root against the spanish. They need to learn a little dignity anyways and some politeness I mean when they scored their goal everyone just threw their beer up in the air and it got all over my shirt I mean honestly what kind of savages would do such a thing.

Finally, have fun you're in madrid, go out and enjoy the night life, get lost, get robbed, get laid by that cheap prostitute. You only live once make sure you have no regrets.