Girls You Could Hook Up With on a Drunken Night

I've hooked up with a lot of different types of girls in my time in New York and through these experiences I'd like to enlighten the rest of you on some very likely outcomes from a drunken night of debauchery and your insistence on hooking up with the first girl possible...or at least my insistence. So without further ado here are my 7 types:

1. The Free Spirit- This lively girl with an untamed passion for excitement is always looking for a good time, but don’t be fooled, despite the tender kisses on the forehead she’s not into you and will be long gone come morning time. Don’t expect a phone number either, shes not looking to get attached.

2. The Virgin – She’ll laugh at all your jokes especially the ones that aren’t funny, she’ll also talk about how much fun you’re having. Be aware though, as soon as you go in for that first kiss she’ll grab your balls and tell you she’s never been with a man that way. If you’re not looking for commitment I suggest you run home and rub one out instead of risking the very messy relationship issues she’s bound to bring up. Bonus Points- Questions like: “What are we?” on the first night are a dead giveaway.

3. The Tease – Those lustful eyes are deceptive, they may scream sex but all she’s willing to do is have a 7th grade style make out session. Watch out for lines like, “I just don’t think it’s the right time,” or even better, “If I have sex with you then I have to have sex with everybody.” My suggestion is go find a whore on the side, also watch out there’s probably a reason she won’t go all the way…notably a venereal disease…or worse a cock.

4. The Clinger – You have one random hook up at an open bar while you’re out of your mind drunk, next thing you know she’s facebook friended you, sent you a message, looked up your screen name, and asked you to meet her family. It’s a hard fall from grace…and her family won’t like you, especially when you can’t even remember her name.

5. The Older Woman – So you’re out with your college buddies at some local bar and then some lady offers to buy YOU a drink. Hell yea you think. Fuck your pride take the free drink. Next thing you know this woman is dominating you in ways you didn’t know you were vulnerable to, at least until her hip gives out. She’ll call you sweet and adorable and probably says that you remind her of her grandchildren. She’ll also give you the best head you’ve ever had, those removable teeth are key. Watch out though, these aging vixens are insatiable and don’t understand your need for freedom…or classes (although they may offer to bring you to school the next morning). Just a tip: Look out for the engagement or wedding ring to know how deep in shit you are.

6. The Younger Girl – So you’re out with your college buddies at some local bar getting shitfaced. Next thing you know you see 3 really cute girls walk in, I mean they look young but they got into a bar so legally they should at least be 21. You avoid asking them just so you don’t have to be conscious of the fact that you’re hitting on 16 year olds. If the girl can’t stop talking about how cool it is to be in a bar…or her 5th period algebra class you’ve bagged yourself an underage chick. Be careful with this situation because lawsuits and psycho clingy high schoolers are a definite drain on your future.

7. The Relative – Yea you think she looks familiar but in your inebriated haze you go for it anyways. So you have the same last name and she reminds you a lot of your younger sister, lots of people have the same last name and look like your sister…Oh God, Oh God what have you done…who have you done? Just don’t tell Dad. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Coming into your own.”

Disclaimer: This post is entirely fiction and not based on any actual person or event. Any similarities to any real persons or events is purely coincidence...that is unless I know you and have hooked up with you while drunk in which case it's probably based on you.