Classless Act

Amid a random bout of wallowing in my own very deep lake of self pity I accidentally came across an article that lifted me out of my depressing malaise with a rocket of anger and disgust. This was an article in the Wall Street Journal (yes I read it from time to time; no it’s not my subscription) entitled “The Right to Dry: A Green Movement Is Roiling America.” I don’t know what it was about this title that led me to stumble upon the article’s words as I usually just pass over the titles looking for anything that might catch my eye. However, I soon learned that some rogue resident of an upstanding, wealthy neighborhood decided on a whim (or perhaps with a demon whispering in her ear) to dry her clothes outside…on a close line! I still vividly remember gasping in shock and horror at the ugliness this must have presented in this innocent community. For those of you that have failed to grasp the obvious significance of this intolerable display of penury I implore you to image this scenario. What if some unsuspecting potential home owner passing by were to catch a glimpse of such a monstrosity as a close line? I tell you that they would revert in horror at the undeniable sign that these million dollar estates were in fact slums reeking of ghetto trash and danger. How could anyone have missed such an obvious consequence of this rash act? Apparently Susan Taylor failed to consider this as she selfishly began to hang her wet clothes upon that ominous line tied to the tall oak in her yard. Additionally, when pushed to explain her seemingly harmless action the owner of the audacious close line calmly explained how it saved power and electricity and in that way was reducing some of the waste that has led to global warming. But what about the millionaires I ask this clearly misguided woman? Well, the esteemed Journal was able to elicit some responses from the victims in this “crime.” Interior Designer and Matt-proclaimed douche bag, Joan Grundeman states that, “this bombards the senses. It can’t possibly increase property values and make people think this is a nice neighborhood.” My God, what if this spreads? Pretty soon people will be confusing the dirty, dangerous, destitute homes of the diseased poverty stricken poor with the multi millionaire fashion enthusiasts and golf club pros. When the clear line between poverty and safety, poor and healthy, ghetto and clean break down then what are we left with? It is these divisions, these class partitions that form the base of what America stands for. Without these we might as well be in Iraq. So for those of you foot soldiers like our dear Joan Grundeman fighting for all of us out there who desperately want the property value of our third home to stay up and want to keep that inner city trash culture out of our neighborhoods and away from our overindulged kids I pray you keep up your noble pursuit. And for those of you shameless enough to actually put up a device that not only saves power, but requires additional labor that you don’t even let your maid do…please take it back if only for freedom. Because we are a free people, but if people are free to dry clothes in this way, then what’s next, will we let our neighbors be seen mowing their own lawns? Please join the good fight by registering against this and similar heinous acts at www.iamadouchebag.com Until then I wish you all the best.

Top 10 Bar Songs

You know the kind, the ones that wake you up from your drunken daze and make you grab the nearest girl and start screaming the lyrics of some classic rock song right in her glazed over face. The ones that make the entire bar start jumping and dancing…and the one that’ll most likely get you laid. If you’ve got a move to make, these songs are your chance to do it.

10. Fix You by Coldplay. Seemingly an odd choice, but if you’ve ever seen You, Me, and Dupree you know why.

9. Paradise City, by Guns N’ Roses. Ever since that scene in Can’t Hardly Wait this song has been getting hot ass for any guy that knows the childishly simple lyrics.

8. You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC. Need I say more, if you can’t get ass to this song that girl’s not drunk enough or you’re just plain hopeless.

7. Stronger by Kanye West. There’s no way you can’t dance to this. It’s the hottest song of the moment.

6. More Than a Feeling by Boston. I’m more of a fan of Foreplay/Longtime but this one is almost as good and a lot shorter which for a bar environment filled with attention handicapped drunks is a definite plus.

5. Hips Don’t Lie by Shakira. Your hips don’t lie and that new stiffness in my jeans is straight up honest lets take it back to my place

4. American Girl by Tom Petty. The opening riff is enough to excite even the coldest of women and open even the most closed of legs.

3. Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N’ Roses. Quite possibly the greatest air guitar song ever made, ever.

2. Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. Jersey’s finest, take my hand we'll make it I swear if you do me I'll be living on a prayer.

1. Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. Vintage Journey takes the top spot. It's loud, discernable lyrics and high energy noise are perfect for bringing the party to the next level. It's the ultimate bar classic.

A last time for firsts

In a most likely fruitless attempt to add some consistency to my increasingly hectic life I will try to begin “blogging” a bit more regularly. I’m sure all of you readers out there are thrilled to hear this orgasmic news however I ask you to refrain from pleasuring yourself to my titillating diction for the simple fact that it would freak the shit out of me. However, if you are a woman who fancies herself an attractive and low expecting human being feel free to meet me in person and I can allow you to have your way with me -- my writing I mean -- in person- …with protection, but no tasers or mace please. Anyways, now that the administrative side has been taken care of I am free to tackle the issues of the day once again. Well as some of you may know I am a senior now, and not only that, a senior with only one semester left. Today was a bit of a tough pill to swallow as it was my last first day of classes in my tumultuous academic career. A career that has spanned 15 dissapointing years for my parents. You may not believe it from reading this fragmented and ungrammatical trash but I was once a student that showed much promise only to lose my direction along the way. My time has spanned from the highs of getting all A’s (once in like 6th grade when they put me in remedial classes because they thought I was retarded) to lows of getting suspended for a week ( in fifth grade I put dog shit in a kids lunch box and then lied about it…repeatedly, then got ratted out by that bastard jacobo). I’ve plied my trade in places as foreign and dirty as Mexico City to places as southern and white as Texas, back up to the haven of boredom that is the suburbs of New Jersey and finally into the vibrant and temptation filled New York City. Each stop has been a valuable addition to my shaping as a person and despite having problems with each of these places (some more than others) I have no doubt learned from my time in each of them. If I had to go back, I’d do it all over again…and over again and over again because for the love of God I am not ready for the real world. Not even fuckin close I mean I’m graduating and I gotta tell you I don’t have a fuckin clue. Not that I’m worried about it; I mean I’m cool I’ll be fine. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Pussy. By the way, Brian if you’re reading this I am sorry about that shit in the lunch box prank, I was young and stupid; you can totally take me off that people to kill list…but leave Jacobo on I heard he fucked your sister.

Peace bitches

A Comedy of Dunces

Yet another senator, republican at that, has been caught how shall I say, with his pants down in an embarrassing sex act. Yes, Senator Craig I am referring to your little mishap with airport security. Not to approve whatever his lewd bathroom acts might have been but I am a bit surprised they are operating sex sting operations amid all of the terror scares in our country. Now I’m sure our dear old Christian fanatics would argue that the evils of sodomizers and all homosexual perversions are on an equal par with those godless Muslim jihadists dedicated to destroying our way of life for a much more boring, joyless one that they seem thrilled to live. However, I highly doubt a couple of old men with more stuff hidden in their closets than Paris Hilton has shoes in hers pose as much of a threat to us innocents riding in a highly crashable plane that terrorists do. Again, that’s not to say that I’d enjoy walking into an airport bathroom only to interrupt one man fellating another…then I’d probably have two reasons to be in the bathroom with the other to regurgitate my previous meal. Who knows, maybe terrorism isn’t the impending threat that it once was, maybe the war in Iraq is working, maybe Al Qaeda is disappearing, maybe who knows. I’ve never liked the idea of living in constant fear anyways. One thing’s for sure though, I can’t help but smirk thinking of how pissed those Republicans must be that there is yet another one of them involved in a homosexual sex scandal, those conservatives just can’t seem to get their Christian values right. Hell, they’re probably begging for a heterosexual Clintonesque sex scandal by now, but alas it seems only those liberal, abortion, gay loving democrats do the dirty with those of the opposite sex. Either way it’s an interesting time we live in when I hear on the news that this sex scandal, involving a senator that nobody had ever heard of could affect a presidential election when it’s not clear how any of the candidates (Republican or Democrat) had an ounce to do with this sexually confused senator. I can only imagine the conflict some voters must feel going into the polls now. Little old lady thinking about it, “Well Republicans hold more of my Christian values but…Republicans have also been caught in homosexual sex scandals. Lord please don’t send me to hell if I vote democrat.” Honestly with a nation in the midst of a costly (economic and more importantly in lives) war, floundering economy amid those pesky sub prime mortgages, health care that forgets the poor, and education that apparently forgets everybody I feel like there are plenty more issues to ponder when examining your candidates then whether one from his or her party has been involved in an airport bathroom sex sting. The only thing that is, is funny and I’m laughing already.