Newsworthy?

Unlike what seems like a large percentage of the population, I am tragically aware of the motives and driving forces behind the news and what makes the final cut on such respectable programs as “Fox Five News at 9.” However, the line, “the People determine what is Newsworthy” certainly has to have its limits. I know the News is driven the same way any entertainment or media production is, by what people are willing to give their attention to, but certainly there must be a line drawn. The reason I say this, what has led me to this realization, is that yesterday as I was innocently flipping through the channels, and then again as I perused some online news sources there was one incredibly meaningless and miniscule story that seemed to be grabbing all the “headlines.” PARIS HILTON BACK IN CUSTODY, PARIS HILTON BREAKS DOWN WANTS MOMMY, PARIS HILTON NEEDS PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP. Here’s some news for you, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT PARIS HILTON, especially when compared to the much more pertinent and important news and events that are currently transpiring on our FUBAR planet. Now I know this is only adding more attention to this media hungry publicity whore who apparently can’t afford to take a DUI class or stop drinking and driving, however I feel there comes a time where the news stations have to take the power away from the people to an extent and make conscious decisions on what we need to be worrying about as Americans and as citizens of our increasingly ravaged planet. I mean this is the same public that elected George W. Bush not once but twice to the most powerful and formerly most respectable position on Earth. Is it really wise to think they have the collective mental capacity to decide what’s newsworthy, especially when they’re picking some rich socialite incarceration breakdown over wars in Iraq, floods in China, starvation in Africa, and a plethora of other extremely concerning stories. Maybe it’s that the American Public wants to ignore these stories, they’re far off, depressing, real. America seems to be consumed by Hollywood; its fantasy on and off the screen is a constant soap opera documented by paparazzi and soulless celebrity magazines. This is not the public’s fault alone that they are entranced by these flashing lights, they’re focus has been robbed from them. However in that same manner I feel the focus needs another shift. A shift to issues that may not be easy to have on our minds and may weigh us down a little more, but they are issues that, unlike Paris Hilton’s jail time, are grave in consequence and short on resolution. A knowledgeable public would make a more intelligent and savvy America and as a world leader it should be our responsibility to know about the happenings of the world, and not just our own fantasy land of celebrities and gossip.

Girls You Could Hook Up With on a Drunken Night

I've hooked up with a lot of different types of girls in my time in New York and through these experiences I'd like to enlighten the rest of you on some very likely outcomes from a drunken night of debauchery and your insistence on hooking up with the first girl possible...or at least my insistence. So without further ado here are my 7 types:

1. The Free Spirit- This lively girl with an untamed passion for excitement is always looking for a good time, but don’t be fooled, despite the tender kisses on the forehead she’s not into you and will be long gone come morning time. Don’t expect a phone number either, shes not looking to get attached.

2. The Virgin – She’ll laugh at all your jokes especially the ones that aren’t funny, she’ll also talk about how much fun you’re having. Be aware though, as soon as you go in for that first kiss she’ll grab your balls and tell you she’s never been with a man that way. If you’re not looking for commitment I suggest you run home and rub one out instead of risking the very messy relationship issues she’s bound to bring up. Bonus Points- Questions like: “What are we?” on the first night are a dead giveaway.

3. The Tease – Those lustful eyes are deceptive, they may scream sex but all she’s willing to do is have a 7th grade style make out session. Watch out for lines like, “I just don’t think it’s the right time,” or even better, “If I have sex with you then I have to have sex with everybody.” My suggestion is go find a whore on the side, also watch out there’s probably a reason she won’t go all the way…notably a venereal disease…or worse a cock.

4. The Clinger – You have one random hook up at an open bar while you’re out of your mind drunk, next thing you know she’s facebook friended you, sent you a message, looked up your screen name, and asked you to meet her family. It’s a hard fall from grace…and her family won’t like you, especially when you can’t even remember her name.

5. The Older Woman – So you’re out with your college buddies at some local bar and then some lady offers to buy YOU a drink. Hell yea you think. Fuck your pride take the free drink. Next thing you know this woman is dominating you in ways you didn’t know you were vulnerable to, at least until her hip gives out. She’ll call you sweet and adorable and probably says that you remind her of her grandchildren. She’ll also give you the best head you’ve ever had, those removable teeth are key. Watch out though, these aging vixens are insatiable and don’t understand your need for freedom…or classes (although they may offer to bring you to school the next morning). Just a tip: Look out for the engagement or wedding ring to know how deep in shit you are.

6. The Younger Girl – So you’re out with your college buddies at some local bar getting shitfaced. Next thing you know you see 3 really cute girls walk in, I mean they look young but they got into a bar so legally they should at least be 21. You avoid asking them just so you don’t have to be conscious of the fact that you’re hitting on 16 year olds. If the girl can’t stop talking about how cool it is to be in a bar…or her 5th period algebra class you’ve bagged yourself an underage chick. Be careful with this situation because lawsuits and psycho clingy high schoolers are a definite drain on your future.

7. The Relative – Yea you think she looks familiar but in your inebriated haze you go for it anyways. So you have the same last name and she reminds you a lot of your younger sister, lots of people have the same last name and look like your sister…Oh God, Oh God what have you done…who have you done? Just don’t tell Dad. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Coming into your own.”

Disclaimer: This post is entirely fiction and not based on any actual person or event. Any similarities to any real persons or events is purely coincidence...that is unless I know you and have hooked up with you while drunk in which case it's probably based on you.

This Trip was Awesome Until You and Your Bros Decided to "Bro Out"

"Bro did you see when that girl laughed after I whiffed the volleyball, I totally wanted to punch her in the fucking face bro."
In between their high fives, binge drinking, and latent homosexual behavior bro culture has begun infecting foreign nations with their obnoxious, testosterone fueled stupidity. Relaxing on a gorgeous beach in the Dominican Republic serenely enjoying the sound fo the ocean and the refreshing breeze was thrown to hell after a group of six "bros" decided to start yelling at each other about how "totally drunk they were" pausing only to comment on "that fucking bitch that walked off." I can only stipulate that after this girl walked out they released their pent up sexual frustration through some homosexual frat ritual.
Listen "Bro" I don't care way you do deep down in the soggy, vomit filled layers of your frat house but when I leave America to go and absorb the culture and environment of a new and DIFFERENT country I'd appreciate you not imposing your unbearably annoying and forced macho attitude on my relaxing beach sessions. Having to deal with your "bro outs" in America is one thing but I find it completely intolerable to be subjected to them in a place that I thought was untainted by your ridiculous acts. So take off those lame ass shades that you and all your "bros" insist on wearing, stop constantly flexing, and for the love of God stop having incredibly inappropriate and intentionally loud conversations because despite what you may think no one believes you're cool from hearing them and probably wants to punch you and your bros in "the fucking face."

The dreaded Job Search

There may not be a more degrading or stressful experience than the job search. Men and woman will shamelessly throw themselves at potential employers like drunk girls at Mardi Gras and that interviewer has plenty of beads. I'm at a point of my life where I'm beginning my first real job search. You know the kind, the ones with the resumes, the cover letters, the suits, the interviewers with the tough questions, and you with all the wrong answers. I've come to the conclusion that in these job searches it stops being acceptable to be yourself. Sure they tell you to show your "better qualities" and "express yourself" but what you're really suppose to do is be like everyone else. I swear to God I do not believe that 95% of the people looking for jobs believe that their greatest " weakness" is that they "work too hard" or are "too competetive." This type of meaningless bullshit makes me want to throw up all over the suit that I'm wearing for only the second time in my life. Unfortunately it seems as though the most high profile jobs require a soulless ability to bullshit your way into and out of anything. It's too bad our own president wasn't well versed on this skill. Imagine the difference if he could back up his policies in Iraq with lines like "I'm a tireless worker that pays attention to detail and have no doubt I can resovle this conflict as soon as physically possible" instead of stuttering around a microphone looking for the slightest hint of a friendly face and hesitantly asking people for support of yet anouther influx of troops into the political black hole that is Iraq. But, alas, I've digressed from my point the godlessness of a job search. The stress inflicted upon an individual having to dance around like a circus act trying to impress anyone he can persuade to listen is only less than the stress sufferred by someone who puts himself through these disgraceful dances and returns empty handed knowing that he sold his soul for nothing in return. As I write this I am packing up my own soul into a delightful gift basket and preparing to send it out along with my resume and cover letters. If anyone reading this has available summer internships in New York please hire me. I'm a motivated, dedicated, hard working, positive, dependable, responsible, smart, confident, driven, excited, and high pressure performer who will serve you well. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Matt

ps. I'm serious about that hiring shit, I need a job...you can visit my website at www.mattneedsajob.org

The Worst Valentine’s Day Ever

That’s right it’s February and you know what that means, Valentine’s Day! All those cute couples will be planning their dates as girls look forward to bragging to their friends about how completely romantic “Todd,” or whatever the hell his name might be, is. Guys will be looking to find the ultimate gift or create the most ideal date for their significant others in yet another attempt at getting as much sex as possible. Men usually don’t care too much about the “spirit” of Valentine’s Day, but they do care about not pissing off their girlfriend/ wife/ girl on the side/ hopeful sex partner. So here are a few tips on what NOT to get for that special someone.

Top 12 Worst Valentine’s Gifts

1. Gym Membership, I don’t think they’ll “get it”
2. Treadmill, they definitely won’t “get it”
3. The NFL channel (or any sports channel), so obviously for you
4. Animal Porn…or really any sort of porn
5. Electric Razor, there are more subtle ways of telling her she needs to shave
6. Plastic surgery, ok that’s just mean
7. Breast Implants, valiant effort but I don’t think she’ll see where you’re coming from.
8. The Right to Vote, once they have a say it’ll all be downhill
9. Syphilis, if she knows you have it she might break up with you
10. A reason to live, you can’t have her hanging around you any longer than necessary
11. A homemade necklace, you’re not 7 years old anymore get her the real thing.
12. A break up note, seriously you can’t just wait one more day?

Good Luck with your women and I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day

Yes Mr. Hemingway I would love to have a drink with you.

I recently finished reading the splendid Ernest Hemingway novel, The Sun Also Rises. It is a great narrative that transports you into a cloudy, inebriated wonderland without responsibility and purpose. I was instantly reminded of my own time in Spain. The short, quick paced sentences blurred by me as I felt more like I was living the book than reading it. This Hemingway character would impress even a frat keg-stand champion with his incessant drinking at all hours of the day and night. I wonder if sobriety is something any of the characters in the book are even familiar with. Each scene revolves around ordering drink after drink and then moving to another place where they will order more drinks and get, “tight” as it is called in the book. Now I don’t know much about American literature or famous writers but I’ll tell you one thing: I wanna party with this guy. I’d actually like to see a bar menu containing every drink served in The Sun Also Rises. I have no doubt it could fill several pages. Of course there would the “Hemingway Special” a dangerous concoction of whiskey, soda, and the blood of a Spanish Bull. The great thing about the book was that it always put me in the mood to just go out and get shitfaced for no apparent reason other than to be cultured in some dark bar and engage in pretentious conversation with other socialites that haven’t a care in the world. I can do that because this is America, and in America we don’t care about your problems. A homeless man once told me how this country, and perhaps even this world operates. He said, “every person lives by one code: I got mine, now go fuck yourself.” I haven’t seen him since, but I believe he may be one of the must underrated thinkers of our time. But back to the Hemingway fellow. The reason I started reading the book was a selfish purpose as I had been told it was this novel that made the festival of San Fermines in Pamplona famous. For those of you that don’t know shit about Spain, or that festival, it is the place where they have the “Running with the bulls.” Now I know what you’re asking yourself. Did you, oh daring and courageous Matt, run with the bulls during your time in Spain? And my immediate response is: Youre goddamn right I ran with the bulls! I’m a man of principle, and one of the most important principles I have is: Thou Shalt Run With the Bulls while in Pamplona. Count it. Thus, in summary 1)Hemingway is a delightful read if you have any capacity to appreciate a different culture, 2) Drinking all the time might be expensive but damnit it seems like a lot of fun, and 3) I ran with the bulls. If you can come away with those three things, I’ll feel I’ve done my job.

Legal Notice: I am not responsible for anyone that is inspired to run with the bulls due to the influence of this piece, nor can I be held liable for any injury incurred during said event.

The Battle of Printer Station 7: Last Stand

I know, I know, it's been a long time and I've been dearly missed. Spare me the façade of concern. The important thing is that I'm back to knock you off your feet with decadent, ungrammatical pleasure. There are some things, very small insignificant things which I'm sure will end up shortening my life span by vast amounts if not killing me outright in the moment. Some of these things, like alcohol abuse, subway train hopping, and knife fighting are pretty obvious in their dangers. However, today I encountered an entirely different threat to my life. This hideous, Satan worshipping beast came in the form of a comfortably overweight asian girl wearing what I'm sure she believed were fashionable glasses and a stare that left no doubt to her absolute unconcern for others. The stage was set in the busy Stern Computer Lab located underground where the Stern students dwell and lost College of Arts and Sciences students like myself accidentally wander into. I arrived confident in the simplicity of my mission, to print out a practice test for my midterm tomorrow. A mission so easy I could not see an obstacle in my path. I'm a man of a modest background so it is rare for me to be caught by overconfidence, but this life-ending succubus had other plans for me. As I pulled up my files at my work station I was still tragically oblivious to the plot against me. After I had ordered my computer to print the appropriate files I walked up to the printer with all of the social confidence that only a CAS student like myself could have and a Stern student could only imagine having. There was a slight crowd of two or three people surrounding the printer, but nothing out of the ordinary. I was calm, I actually laughed to myself about the nervous twitches of the others around me. To my dismay, I soon realized what it was that was disturbing them so. It was then that I laid eyes on the sinister being. She evoked a vile aura of wretchedness as the printer strained under her cruel whip. I stood there for ten minutes, confidence draining from me each time I looked at her and saw the darkness of her soul. The only thing being expelled by the printer was her dark work: pages upon pages, dozens of pages, pages with pictures, pages that looked like they had been copied from a book, shaded pages, dark pages, text pages, colored pages. Where would the madness stop?! I began to feel faint so I removed myself from the situation with a bit of self-control and decided to just wait it out. After idling at my work station for another 6 minutes I returned to the printer. Surely she must be done by now. The sight I saw was horrifying and I gasped in terror. She hadn't moved! I doubt she had even blinked; she still stood in that same casual, lack of concern for others air about her, selfishly hoisting her dirty work in reams of paper. It was then that I realized that there was not one shred of good in her and she truly was fallen. I looked around, I was not the only one being marred by her insidious acts. There were now at least seven onlookers all intently staring at this whorish fiend, their eyes pleading with her, asking how anyone could take part in such a despicable act. As she rested against the wall taking a break from collecting her unending pages I thought of repeatedly slamming her head into the wall and staring in her soulless eyes to send her back to the hell from whence she came. Instead, I decided to go sit down again. Ten minutes later I collected my things and returned one last time to the printer. I had not been wrong, she truly was a spawn of the underworld as she still stood there collecting her third copy of her 200th page with that same lifeless stare. It was a stare that reminded me of a shark, or of a doll. I walked away, without the 4 pages of text I had come to print… the beast had won. She's probably still there now, as you read this, preventing all from finishing their work.

Sorkinitis

Sorkinitis:
A frightening name for a frightening condition. The cause: fast paced, speed talking, dialogue packed shows, movies, or plays written by the infamous Aaron Sorkin. His reckless writing style has been irresponsibly left available for the public and its devastating effects are only now becoming apparent. People are especially susceptible to being infected by Sorkinitis during or immediately after coming in contact with any of his work. Some common symptoms include uncontrollable speaking at speeds with which the mind cannot compete, using words that a) don't make sense, b) you don't know the meaning of, or in the worst cases c) aren't even words. Victims also have staggering tendencies to become stuck in "talk and walks", a characteristic of Sorkin's work in which apparently characters (usually two but in severe cases even more) simply talk and walk together at the same time. Although this appeared to be revolutionary upon its introduction into the media it is now clear that our minds were not meant for such complex actions. In the interest of full disclosure, your author must admit that I was once suckered into watching one of Sorkin's shows, however I suffered severe Sorkinitis and at one point even thought I was witty enough to carry on relentless, pause free conversation for more than 10 minutes, however, after 6 and half of those minutes I blacked out and woke up 2 days later in a different country with a warrant for my arrest. Not only can Sorkinitis have a vicious effect on its victims, it is also damaging for the lives of those close to the victims, or second hand Sorkinitis. The author's roommate has been suffering from Sorkinitis since it was first observed shortly after the release of the film A Few Good Men, starring Tom Cruise pre scientology brain wash. Because of his affliction he is prone to bouts of dizziness and often sits alone in his room rewatching clips of various Sorkin productions, constantly trying to live his life to the inhumane pace of these works and the brilliant characters therein. Its nearly impossible for him to have a normal conversation with anyone as he loses them after two lines and then pulls a Rain Man and goes off into his own world playing back one liners to an imaginary character as he walks back and forth across his apartment--the most serious case of all: a one man walk and talk. It is profoundly disturbing. Now I know what you must be wondering, is there a cure? Well the good news is that the answer is yes. There are a shockingly high amount of dumbed down shows and movies available that can easily combat the effects of Sorkinitis by slowing down or in some happy cases (Daredevil) completely halt the mental activity that is uncontrollably sped up by watching Sorkin's work. Because I have studied this disease extensively I am actually capable of offering a broad prescription for anyone that might be suffering the effects of Sorkinitis.

For mild cases: Watching two consecutive episodes of Bones or One Tree Hill should completely offset any mild symptoms.

For moderate cases: Rocky V and VI consecutively, plus at least 30 minutes of Battlefield Earth…exceeding this dosage may cause rapid reductions in brain actvity and subjects run the risk of suffering from either retardation or scientology. Researchers are still unsure as to which carries graver consequences.

For SEVERE cases only: This is a strenuous and rigorous program that must be followed precisely to survive a severe case of Sorkinitis. It is not reccomended for mild cases.First begin with the movies From Justin to Kelly and then You Got Served. Follow this with an entire season of Baywatch, with Charmed as a possible substitute. Finally after this you must watch the movie Daredevil, not one but two times. If Sorkinitis persists begin a steady regimen of blows to the cranium with blunt object until brain dead or complete reversal of symptoms.

Liver failure is so yesterday

Any random friend: Hey, you wanna get drunk tonight?
Me: Yea, why not.

This was a typical conversation from my first two years of college and I feel that my change since then can be summed up in the change that has taken place in that conversation this year.

Any random friend: Hey, you wanna get drunk tonight?
Me: Why?

These two conversations are in themselves a microcosm of my college experience. Upon first arriving here I encountered a wondrous land of cheap available alcohol and many others who like me were just here to have a good time. Classes will come and go we thought, the good times though, they last forever. What I’ve been learning though is that apparently so does your GPA. Now I don’t have a bad GPA per se, but it is significantly lower than it would be if I had responded to that common question the way I do now. Back in the day, meaning freshman and sophomore year, drinking was an end in itself, you know the usual: get plastered and then see where the inebriation takes you. Over the years its taken me to some pretty amazing places…at least they seemed that way in my drunken state though looking back I’m not quite sure how amazing wandering around the business district at 4 in the morning and finding a “totally awesome beer pong table” and then carrying it through the subway and sneaking it into a dorm really was. The point however, is not whether or not I regret the times I had ( I don’t…well maybe not completely) but that I’m beginning to see a change in myself. Call it old age, call it maturity, call it being sick of throwing up in random places, the fact is I no longer have that same insatiable drive to just get completely shitfaced for no apparent reason. I’m also discovering that I lack the recovery ability of my youth, I used to wake up like being hung over was my job and by five in the afternoon I was ready to get hammered again. Now I get drunk and I lay in bed all day dreading night fall and being pressured to go out again. Is this a change for the better? Only time will tell, but unlike last years finals I don’t think I’m gonna be getting drunk throughout the week of exams this year. Bob Dylan once said, “The times they are a changing” I don’t what that means but I feel like it applies here and I sincerely hope whatever it is, you find what you’re looking for.

What Women Want

“A guy should know what I want and if he doesn’t I know he’s not the guy for me and I’m not interested.” This was the genuine statement of a girl when talking about her love interests. I feel this goes along with my earlier post regarding the double X chromosome and just lends proof to my belief that women refuse to think logically or reasonably. For all of you women out there holding onto this idea let me help you out with why your relationships probably haven’t worked…men don’t read minds and for the most part probably don’t get you. First of all you’re women and as Jack Nicholson famously put it in As Good As It Gets, you live without reason and accountability. Men on the other hand live their lives based on this and sorry to say are incapable of lowering themselves to your level. Life isn’t a fairy tale, or a movie and yea we might get it right every now and then by pure chance but we can’t read your mind, so acting in direct opposition to what you actually want thinking that men are going to magically know that you want the opposite because if he’s the right guy for you he’ll know is a preposterous idea. Relationships work based on communication and expressing one’s feelings, not by playing mind games and hocus pocus. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying all women do this, that would be a generalization and sexist and that would get way too many people hating me. I like to avoid hatred as much as possible so lets just go ahead and say I think women are really swell but that some of them lack an ability to recognize reality because they’ve seen too many damn Disney and teen date movies. So now that I’ve taken some of the blame directly off of the women I’m gonna go right for the source. Date movies. These ridiculous fairy tales have been killing guys game for years, besides the times that you have to sit through one with a girl to get any action they just serve to push unrealistic expectations on us from girls. All these feminists get so upset about havin to match expectations that models present and the perfect body, well im fuckin pissed about havin to match expectations from some stupid Freddie Prinz Jr. sappy teen love story. I’m fed up and pissed off and now women are sayin things like the quote from above, well its time we do something about it and I’m gonna start as soon as I finish ordering flowers and taking a girl on a romantic date that includes a horse pulled carriage ride through central park…so I caved, but if I have to give in to get some I’ll do what I gotta do. But this is the last time, and I’m tryin to spread this message to any man or woman that cares to listen.

ps. I will be having a charity event to create awareness for this problem. So when you have to decide between giving money to a charity for world hunger or Darfur remember which one have you been affected by. When you go to the polls vote intermittent comedy and well get you laid (if youre a guy)

Inside Joke

Some guy: “Yo I totally ate that sandwich!”
Some other guy: “NO WAY! Hahahaha”
Me: I don’t get it, whats so funny?
Some guys: “Don’t worry about it man its an inside joke hahaha”
Me:…

Listen you pompous, meathead assholes that think youre so damn hilarious with your inside jokes probably centering on the girl you “banged” last night, if it’s an inside joke how come the entire room has to hear your juvenile reenactment of some retarded story only to be left out of some stupid punchline. The story’s public from your obnoxious and clearly intentional overheard conversation so everyone around you can know that you, “totally ate that sandwich.” Now I’m not trying to “drop guilt juice on you” another ludicrous phrase that I once heard bellowed in the midst of one of my chance encounters with a study lounge. But seriously, shut the fuck up, I don’t give a damn about your inside jokes, but if you’re gonna make me hear your whole story at least give me the satisfaction of knowing what you find so incredibly funny; if at least to give me more fuel to make fun of you with. Don’t get me wrong, inside jokes are an inevitable part of friendship as things will be understood only by those who are familiar with it, but don’t make it a point to let everyone know that you’re engaged in an inside joke especially to just make you feel cool. Believe me doing this only proves how far from cool you are. However, just go on giving your “HIGH FIVES!” every time you say something basically equating to banging and leaving a girl or making fun of a girl, or making fun of a guy that doesn’t like girls, I’m sure you’ll find some mildly retarded audience somewhere that enjoys your stories and idolizes you so much that they hope one day to be on the inside of those jokes. Just remember, you’re the joke.

Top 13 Reasons to go to War with North Korea

1. Maybe we'll find oil.
2. Preventing Kim Jong Il from ever wearing those lame ass sunglasses again.
3. Pussy democrats won't be able to whine about not finding any weapons of mass destruction.
4. They're God hating communists that haven't seen the light of Christ or an A bomb...boo-ya.
5. My ex girlfriend was Korean and she totally dumped me...that bitch.
6. To support our troops.
7. Pearl Harbor.
8. Dick Cheney likes hunting in the far east.
9. Real World: Pyongyang this time the tension's nuclear...MTV fall 07
10. It'll distract from the huge failure of Iraq.
11. They're poor.
12. The war in Iraq is so last year.
13. To protect our borders.

A comedy of the double X chromosome

Women, they are fuckin hilarious. They’ve managed to master an art of unreasonability and illogical thinking all the while making men feel bad about the decisions they make that involve rationality. What impresses me is not the lack of reason that goes into a woman’s thinking process, that much has been obvious for quite some time, but how they almost always manage to make us (men) feel bad about whatever it is that we’ve done. My mother has always been and still is a master of this technique using such subtle attacks as “stop attacking me,” “I wasn’t yelling,” and of course my favorite “I’m not angry I’m just disappointed.” These ridiculous phrases are the things that infuriate me and usually drive me to doing something I actually end up feeling sorry for. Women lure you in with these traps, of course I’ve had a bit more experience with this than with just my mother but she is the one that comes to mind most clearly. However, this has also been a problem with girls that I have been how shall I say, intimately involved with. There are a few that I think actually get off to this kind of idiotic argument/conversation. You say what you think is a harmless phrase, next thing you know you’re being called insensitive and cruel when you thought you were just asking a question this girl is trying to guilt trip you into apologizing till you admit that men are inherently evil creatures. Well my friends out there, don’t give into this game, we’ve got to fight back, that’s why I say never apologize to women. It is imperative that we learn to use their own tricks against them…even if it makes us seem gay. Now I know what you’re thinking…unless youre already gay, in which case you’re ahead of the game, but if you’re not you’ve got to understand that this is what women do to gain the power in a conversation, relationship, argument ect. As soon as you apologize you are by default admitting that you are the guilty one, you were wrong and thus everything they said was right. What kind of evil is this that won’t even let us be right? I implore those of you as men to stand up for our sense of reason and accountability and take a stand against this feminine nonsense, a conversation is a conversation and if you’re gonna cry because I’m so obviously right and you can’t take being wrong tough. Learn to live with it, cause I’m gonna be right a lot more than you can admit to your already microscopic self esteem.

Note: if you are a woman I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize in advance, I didn’t mean what I said and I think you look lovely today…new haircut?
2nd Note: if you are a man I’m just sayin sorry so I can still get ass from women, as a man you can understand that…but continue to fight the woman
3rd Note: if you are my mother I love you and I’m sorry…plus I really need my laundry done, im startin to run out of clothes.

Dear Diary,

Due to a request from a former acquaintance I will be taking this blog in a bit of a different direction with this post. This will be a stark change from the usual insulting, juvenile humor and will instead be a touching, sincere account of someone that has been a big influence in my life.
This particular person happened to be a former Resident Advisor of mine during my sophomore year of school. What I remember the most about her is not whether or not she had a life crippling drinking problem (she did), and not whether or not she hung out with self loathing, closet crying hipsters (she did that too), but that for some reason she was very entertaining to talk to. This is probably because she was one of the few people that laughed at my jokes, and I gotta tell you having someone think your funny is probably one of the greatest feelings in the world…aside from screwing your boss’s wife in your boss’s bed which is also particularly pleasurable. I didn’t talk to this person for most of the summer following that year and upon my return I discovered that she had run away to Korea. Now she often whined to me about wanting to find some nice asian guy to bring home to her parents or some shit, but I never thought shed go all the way to the Far East to find one, I figured Chinatown was good enough and that was why she kept living there. Apparently I greatly underestimated her need for real asian men. Now that shes in Korea I’ve found it immensely easier to avoid her while walking through the park, aside from that I do miss the occasional dinner she was able to get me and my friends as well as the meal plans after I’d run out. But the bottom line is I’m writing from the heart and my heart tells me that I’m hungry, no that’s the stomach, oh that’s right my heart tells me that you should hold on to people that make you feel good about yourself, because as I can attest I’ve got a number of friends but most of them only serve to pummel my already disappearing self esteem. Anyways this is a person that meant something to me in the time that I knew her. Now she’s just a shadow from my alcoholic corrupted past, but I hope wherever she is, she’s laughing at this post making me feel better about myself.

An Ode to the War on Terrorism

The War on Terrorism has engulfed much of the focus of America under our esteemed leader George W. Bush, yet some clueless Americans fail to register its overall scale and the importance of the battles we wage. Thus to draw the battle lines more clearly I will be defining it as straightforward as possible.

Terrorism can be defined as: anything that endangers or threatens America.

This definition is simple enough, however there is a further sub definition needed for those who do not completely comprehend the ideals of the America we live in. Thus it becomes necessary to define what should be considered a “threat to America”

Threats to America include: there are gays who evilly ignore our Christian and humanitarian ideals of love between only an old man and a bored woman, pro choice women who think they have the right to do what they want with their bodies, liberals who only know how to spread evil ideas of acceptance and tolerance and have obviously never read the bible, women who for some reason are beginning to think they have a voice and a place of meaning in society, anyone who doesn’t think George W. Bush should be given as many more terms as it takes to defeat terrorism and instill the wrath of God on those Islamic savages, Jews who don’t believe in Jesus, Al Gore who makes up stuff about the environment, Mexicans who endanger America by trying to secure a better life for themselves within the borders that we originally stole from them, alternate forms of fuel, pirates of the Caribbean who raid our coast, Borat the movie, democratic senators trying to pose as republicans while they molest young children, Lindsay Lohan, and of course the Euro…mullet.

All of these things pose an immediate threat to the well being of America and its citizens and unless we stop them with the wrath of our almighty heterosexual, Christian, republican God we will succumb to evils not seen since the Dark Ages healed those evils with the Crusades. The way you to stop them has already been presented to us, we must light them on fire with democracy and napalm, bombard them with Christianity and air strikes, torment them with American ideals and oppression, and suffocate them with freedom and blankets. This is our arsenal and to fully defeat the enemies of America it must be exhausted.

President Bush I fully support you through your incomprehensible diction and seemingly contradictory agenda. Deep down, in the place that Congressman Foley used to talk about, I know this is all a ploy to confuse and confound your enemies while you devise a much larger assault on the rest of the world. We’ll see whose laughing when America conquers the middle east and controls the oil fields…I mean stops terrorism.
All Hail Bush!

I write Lists not Comedies

Theres a little bit of a rumor goin around the dozen or half dozen of you that have accidentally read this blog that I’m only funny in lists. Well I got news for you, you’re fucking right and to confirm that here is a list of why I’m better than you:

1. You actually waste your time reading the shit that I write.
2. I’m not addicted to drugs, you’re in your second stint of rehab.
3. I’m filthy rich and I feel fucking great about it.
4. You have no friends, I have hundreds…check facebook if you don’t believe me.
5. I live in an apartment with a magnificent view of the NYC skyline.
6. I’m me.
7. You’re not.
8. Your lover dumped you because you are sexually inadequate, I’ve been described as barely adequate…beat that.
9. I’m American you terrorist.
10. I live at a Holiday Inn Express.
11. Seriously you can’t have a good life if you’re still reading this list.
12. I drowned the sting ray that killed Steve Irwin.
13. I can fake my orgasms…convincingly.

11 Reasons why you should be a vegan:

1. The horrible suffering of animals which results from vicious meat eaters.
2. Thinking you’re making a difference.
3. Telling others that you think you’re making difference.
4. Telling others that you think they should be making difference.
5. Vegan restaurants…it’s better than a health club and more expensive for less.
6. The unparalleled ability to annoy all of those around you with whiny asinine conversations about the evils of fast food and America.
7. You totally got food poisoning that one time from that meat and it was God’s way of telling you that eating animals is wrong.
8. You’re anorexic and you want to add morality to your shrinking waste line.
9. You enjoy thinking you’re better than everyone.
10. You pity the fool.
11. Captain Planet.

Why You Need Plastic Surgery:

1. Ashley Simpson did it
2. You won’t be ugly anymore
3. You’ll make more friends because you won’t be ugly anymore.
4. You’ll get a better job because you won’t be as ugly anymore.
5. Celebrities do it, and theyre already better looking than you.
6. Boredom.
7. Michael Jackson did it…ok bad example.
8. Ashley Simpson did it.
9. Hey it can’t end up worse than what you look like now.
10. Because everybody else is doing it, and you desperately need to fit in.
11. Because you’re an American and don’t support terrorism, terrorist don’t get plastic surgery…are you a terrorist?
12. It’s better than sex…at least the sex you’ve been having which is none because you have yet to get plastic surgery.
13. Because you read this article.
14. Because that homeless guy on Lafayette and Prince St. told you needed it.
15. Because you hate yourself.
16. Global Warming.

How to be a successful...American Student in Madrid

This of course is probably a widespread question that everyone and anyone that reads this can relate to, thus I no doubt will be helping countless people with some simple dos and donts for various situations as you find yourself in the beautiful capital of Spain.

First, remember speak English, they love Americans in Madrid and often will even give you discounts once they realize you come from the greatest country in the world. It's a well known fact that all spanish people actually wish they were American anyways, so go on and speak the greatest language the world has ever seen, American. Also, when ordering food or shopping or whatever you may do while in Madrid don't be alarmed at the strange looks you may earn by trying to ask questions in English, remember spanish people are inherently inferior which is why they don't have the ability to speak english in the first place, that look is probably just one of admiration or confusion because theyre smaller brains cannot comprehend our higher language.

Second, make sure that when you take out money of ATMs or any other location you let everyone and their mothers on the street know that you're packin serious cash. It'll give you respect and theyll realize you're legit. Trust me theres nothin the spanish people respect more than an american wavin around 400 euros in cash and then lettin all of them know that ure putting it in your loose back left pocket along with your razor cell phone, credit card, atm card and anything else of value that you have.

With regards to your learning in a foreign country it is important that as an American student your mission is not to learn spanish or any language of the country you might be in, but is in fact to teach the people there how to speak American. After all why else would they let you in the country if they didn't want to learn from our ways. Spain and Madrid in particularly actually has a great shortage of Americans and are now desperately inporting them in an attempt to help their plummeting economy. Most people don't know this but Madrid actually has a lower percentage of Americans per person than any city in the United States, obviously this is a huge problem but at least they have realized it and brought in bright young students like myself to help solve it.

The siesta: In addition to being mentally inferior Spanish people are also lazy, they have never heard of our 80 hour work weeks or 12 hour work days, for the love of god they take breaks from 2 to 5 in the afternoon. Don't be lured in by these "rest periods" 2 to 5 is prime time to kick ass and take names and only a lazy spaniard would idle around while there is money to be made and people to be taken advantage of. While here it is important to set an example for all the citizens by tirelessly working the american way while acquiring all of the following things that spanish are also unfamiliar with: severe mental disorders, social anxiety disorder, obessive compulsive disorder, depression, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, hair loss, high blood pressure, obesity, pain killer addiction, chronic diahrea, and herpes. While the spanish are spared these minor effects of the American way of life I assure you they are much less happy then us, after all on average we save and earn more money a year then the spanish and every righteous american knows money is happiness.

Soccer: apparently they call is futbol here, why I have no idea, but there is some tournament called the world cup going on that they have some strange obsession with. This tournament involves the best countries in the world playing eachother in "futbol." I warn you, this is a dangerous area, I secretly watched the last Spain game at a public showing in Plaza colon as thousands of clearly crazy madrilenos yelled and chanted things in a language i could not understand, and they say were crazy! Remember, you're not spanish though, so go to these showings and make sure you wear the colors and jerseys of their opponents and always root against the spanish. They need to learn a little dignity anyways and some politeness I mean when they scored their goal everyone just threw their beer up in the air and it got all over my shirt I mean honestly what kind of savages would do such a thing.

Finally, have fun you're in madrid, go out and enjoy the night life, get lost, get robbed, get laid by that cheap prostitute. You only live once make sure you have no regrets.

I have more Facebook Friends than you

This post of course has to deal with the relatively recent emergence of online profile sites such as My Space and Facebook. However, because I don’t know what the fuck My Space is and how it works I will be focusing solely on Facebook. When I entered college two years ago I knew nothing of this online service that apparently is a place to make friends online that you don’t have to be embarrassed about being a part of. At the beginning of my freshman year facebook was available at a very few number of colleges, mostly colleges that believed they were better than everyone else. However, early on there were clear signs of growth, first within the community of Facebook users and then a Starbucks like expansion that seems to have encompassed the entire planet’s colleges, and apparently high schools too.
Unfortunately along with this trend I have seen an ever increasing judgement process through face book. People are now judged by their “profiles,” guys and probably girls too shamelessly look through pictures posted on the site of people they don’t even know looking for hot girls…or guys, they might actually have a chance of meeting. Of course it brings people together, but it only brings people together in the way that says, “I’m better than you and I have more Facebook friends than you to prove it.”
Which brings me to my next point, the question of what is a Facebook friend? In the early stages this seemed much more clear, but as with most things in life expansion carries along with it complexity and now the expansion of Facebook has left the definition of Facebook friend in a cloudy mist that in reality holds a different meaning for each user. Thus, in an effort to sort through the confusion and make some sense of the chaos I will devise a grouping system into the basic types of people and their friend definitions, it is important to remember though that these in no way reflect reality and only the fucked up way with which I view the world, however if you are fortunate enough to agree with me all the better.

Facebook type 1: the “I joined because everybody joined" user. This person was probably one of the later people to start using it, doesn’t often update, and rarely friends others. This person is also antisocial and is probably against conformity, bonus points: they cry to themselves at night wishing they had more friends.

Type 2: the “I can stop whenever I want to" user. This person probably, has a little above average amount of Facebook friends, and updates their profile only every so often so as not to give the appearance of addiction. However don’t be fooled: they stay up late at night perusing through the now endless details that one can find on the network. Also desperately wants pictures of themselves online so that others can see how cool they are, never to realize that no one looks at them and they don’t care. Bonus points: Also an alcoholic and desperate to impress others because their parents didn’t love them.

Type 3: the “Facebook whore”. The title basically speaks for itself: this is for those who blatantly devote themselves to whoring out for as many friends as possible, they also think they are very social because they ask to be friends with people they don’t even know and in all likelihood will never meet. Don’t be fooled kids, if someone friends you that has over 300 Facebook friends, their friendship is not something to be appreciated and has less value then an ice maker in the north pole. If you are one of these people I only have one thing to say, Stop It before you kill humanity. Bonus points: This person doesn’t realize that all of their real life friends in hate them, especially because they constantly try to casually bring up how many Facebook friends they have, they might even have some sort of sadistic goal to reach some number like 500 friends.

Type 4: the “love/hate Facebook users” these users have a love/hate relationship as they love the possible humor to be gained from it and enjoy endlessly looking through their own pictures remembering the times that in reality they probably don’t remember. However, they also hate having to be confronted with the picture of the unattractive girl/guy they hooked up with the night before when under the influence they looked so much better. Bonus points: Generally nice people that are often assholes without realizing it.

Type 5: the “I use Facebook to fuck with other people in a juvenile attempt to ruin people’s lives more than my own” these people are usually guys and will often write ridiculous things on walls that they had sworn to keep secret, will message girls either calling them sluts or losers or both, while in reality they're just upset that they cant even stroke it out. They think they’re real cool when they post pictures of themselves fucking with passed out kids and usually talk about the one time they pissed on that girl and how totally awesome it was. Bonus points: the syringe in the ass and the roid rage are dead give aways.

Next time there will be an online quiz so you can find out which group you belong to! Be sure to check up often to see when it will be up bonus: theyre will also be a rate your friendship feature to see how good of a Facebook friend you are.

Not to reader, if you actually believe that last part you have entirely missed my points, as ridiculous as they are and no longer have any business reading this blog, I bid you good day!